eyes

Psychological studies suggest: When can't stop thinking of someone, it's more likely because they're thinking about you as well.

do you agree with it? hagagga.

aku pernah mention ini ke twitter na rafael, tapi dy ga jawab (atau mungkin lupa ga jawab atau emang sengaja ga dijawab. dunno.) next time i would ask about it to him.

satu minggu kemaren aku sibuk banget, entah sibuk ngapain ajah, aku juga ga seberapa inget. yang jelas after jadi freelancer yang berakhir sabtu (atau malah senin yah?) ada banyak hal yg udah lama ga taq lakuin dan serius aku kangen banget:

1. teman-teman aku di kampus

2. mall

3. rafael

hagagga, biasanya rafael aku sebutin pertama kali kalo aku agy galau-galau na abiz break-up yang notabene udah hampir sebulan ini. semenjak kerja part-time selama 2 minggu aku ga skype-an sama dia, almost sih. i didn't really have time, aku pulang malem banget dan capek dan dy mungkin dg aktivitas na sendiri sibuk ke pantai, ke salsa club, atau bengong jagain rumah sendirian yg cuma ditemenin sama tipi (hagagga, kalo ini serius kasian banget).

qt cuma chat lewat facebook, ga lebih. teruz tukeran foto gitu, buat cam an sama skype waktu itu bener" aku ga ada waktu. pacar aku ajah ga taq urusin apalagi dy (jangan ditiru yah! :D)

waktu aku ke wedding na taciek, one of my bestfriends , aku kirimin foto aku ke dy, foto standard sih, aku pake little black dress gitu and he commented,

"you re really look like a doll"

hagagag, aku cuma bs bilang, "a monkey doll? oh plis!"

mihihihih #miris

beberapa hari setelahnya kita cuma chat garing, dan entah kenapa aku jadi ngerasa biasa ajah. Thanks ALLAH SWT, perasaan ini sudah mulai pudar, mungkin yah, atau cuma aku yg mulai ikhlas ngerelain kalo kita cuma bisa temenan ajah,

aku paling benci kata" cinta gak harus memiliki, ah! bullshit! kalo cinta yah harus memiliki kalo ga yoh gausah cinta! simple toh?

dan kamis kemaren tiba" dy minta skype-an sama aku, cara na dy minta sumpah deh smooth banget, dy ga bilang dy mau ketemu aku tapi dy bilang, "i am with Mario here (Mario itu boneka yg aku kirimin ke dy, dy suka bgd sama Mario) instead of seeing you :)"

hahaggaga, aku tau ogg, itu mau na blg kangen toh? :D

waktu itu aku lagi sama temen" aku buat sesi foto bareng di studio, iseng sih, tapi waktu itu emang di studio na ada koneksi wifi jadi yah aku bs sekalian chat lewat FB dari hape.

"do you miss me?" aku bilang gitu.

dan ternyata.."yes, but it's okay, i still have Mario"

HUAHAHAHAHAH. asek.

kangen yah? :P hagagga, bilang ajah deh, pake malu malu monyet.

aku juga kangen sih tapi ga seberapa dibanding waktu habis putus dulu, yah aku sadar aku punya kehidupan disini, kadang cinta itu irasional kok (emang sejak kapan cinta bisa rasional?).

habisna foto session aku kirim foto aku ke email na dy, dy minta sih, aku kirimin 3 foto, fotokuh itu aku pake baju batik, dan temen" aku bilang aku mirip model cover majalah taun 80an , subhanallah -________-

and rafael said, "nice pics, you're really like a Bollywood Princess to me"

:))))))))))))

sumpah deh kalo aku cerita sama temen"aku pasti mereka ketawa ngakak, instead of bilang aku mirip putri india mereka pasti bakal bilang aku bajingan india -________- payah.

Rafael bener" jaga omongan na biar smooth banget, bukan GR ato apa, tapi aku seneng banget sama compliment na dy, dan aku tau meskipun dy compliment gitu tapi dy ga mau dibilang flirting ke aku (yah emang dia ga flirt sih -_____-) dan FYI, rafael itu orang na spontan dan kalo ngomong asal nyerocos jadi yah kalo dy ngomong judes ato baik itu semua dari pikirannna dy .

Finally,

kita kemaren ketemu di skype YAY :D

dy pake baju merah sama celana pendek yg biasanya dy pake, gatau napa pake kaos merah, biar aku sruduk kali yah :3 kita langsung senyum barengan, ngobrolin hal basa-basi. sbenerna waktu itu aku ngantuk banget tapi yah gpp deh, aku besok juja bs mbangkong dikit :3 

entah kenapa perasaan deg-deg an udah lagi ga ada. ga ada perasaan excited lagi, jujur yg ada cuma perasaan, "oalah, aku chat sama old folk" that's it. aneh yah. 

aku tau rafael masih bersinar seperti biasa. outstanding smile sama idung na dy yg bulet lucu gitu.

aku nemenin dy maem malem sebelum dy berangkat malam mingguan ke salsa club sama genk na, and i said, "don't be naughty"

itu kata" aku ke dy dulu buat dy supaya dy ga nge-flirt sama cewe lain.

dan dy cuma ketawa dan bilang, "what kind of nottie? it depends :p"

kalo dulu mah dy bakal bilang, "i don't feel like doing something naughty, even i am in the salsa club or in the pub with friends, i'm thinking of you."

HAGAGAGA. fuck.

lanjut ke pembicaraan, aku bilang, "like doing one night stand or kiss a girl"

dy cuma senyum, "i don't want to have sex with someone :)"

aku cuma senyum dan bilang, "darn it, i am so worried about you but i play it cool"

 

kuatir sih, kuatir kalo dy nge-fuck sembarangan ntik dy bisa kena HIV -______-

goblok.

"i am cool too, we cool?"

aku langsung mainin jari telunjuk ke cam and said, "trick trick"

trick trick itu bahasa aku snediri sih, aku ma temen temen aku biasanya maenan itu tapi kita bilangna CIKICIEW sama ngedipin mata sama mainan telunjuk tangan, tapi karena bule susah bilang cikiciew jadi yah taq ganti "trick trick"

rafael langsung ngakak dan agak amazed gitu, dy ga ngeh sama yg namanya trick trick

hagagag, ini bahasa alay rafael -__-

truz dy nyuruh aku ngulang-ngulang sama dy paham maksud dan gerakannya,

his face was happy, he laughed cheerfully .

bener apa kata pepatah, kamu bs liat apa yg ada di pikiran seseorang dari mata .

mata ga pernah bohong, dan aku bisa liat ada sekilas cahaya di mata nya yg hijau itu berbinar-binar. halah bahasa na sok romantis nih :3

i know you heard me said it when i said it with my eyes.

kalo kamu mau tau perasaan itu tulus ato gak, coba liat matanya :)

aku ga ngarep apa apa sih. serius, i can let it go now, 

aku cuma seneng ajah, (mungkin) hubungan kita membaik , dan kita bs jadi temen yg baik, kayak dy sama mantan-mantannya, hagaga.

dan aku harus siap kalo suatu saat dy nemuin seseorang yg lain.

tapi aku yakin, he feels something better when he's around me. 

aku punya selera humor yg beda, aku punya sesuatu yg beda dari mantan-mantannya dan kenapa aku bisa bilang gini, 

because ..

aku kemarin agak ga enak badan dan aku minta di pukpuk 

dan dia senang hati mau pukpuk aku (bahasa prancis na "poet poet")

dan aku bisa liat ada senyum tulus yg muncul pas dia nge-pukpuk di cam (gausah dibayangin, keliatan bego yah? mihihih)

dia sempet tanya sih, apa aku ga pernah di pukpuk sama cowok lain, aku bilang nggak, eh dia malah bilang, "ask your female friends to pukpuk you" -_____- tuh kand, jahat banget dy kalo ngomong.

but, liked it or not, he still pukpuk me :)))

in addition,  aku liat Mario ada disebelah bantal yg biasa dy buat tidur. well? can you explain more about it?

ketika kita merindukan seseorang, kita pasti akan meluk guling atau benda yg diberikan orang itu kepada kita, dan kenapa Mario ada disebelah bantalna dy? mihihihi enough said :).

 

but, honestly, aku gatau kenapa, ini mungkin cuma manifestasi aku ajah, sebagai hiburan diri aku aja,

mungkin ajah dy lagi iseng relax di kamar dan tiba" dy pengen megang Mario, semua itu banyak possibilities sih.

tapi yah terserah lah, aku bilang gn biar hati aku seneng ajah kali yah, hagagag, nevermind.

siapa lagi yg bisa menghibur aku kalo bukan diri aku sendiri , yah kan?

FOR R .

NATURE OF HUMAN

I should just let it be

Yes, I just should.

You say you’ll be happy seeing the person you love to smile

Happy whatever the reason is

I..don’t believe it after all.

It’s all the pain that I could remember

Just hugging my imagination would not do such thing

You smile, and I smile

And if you’re sad, I really want to hug you in my arms

It’s only a human nature, I think

14^th September 2012, 23.40.

xoxo

changeling

i wish i had a travel machine so i could go to your room and hug you every night :)

HAHAHAHA

ini dulu si rapo pernah ngomong gitu sama aku, sambil dia merem-merem gitu pura" bisa teleport. funny moment though, yeaaah, i know it was a long time ago :(

batik yang aku kirim sudah sampai ke tempat dia, and voila, it suited him well!

dia keliatan imut banget pake itu (emang dia dasarnya imut sih LOL) dan boneka super mario yang aku kasih dia taruk disebelah bantalnya dia (bersama boneka pemberian mantannya yg paling disayang dulu -__- aku jadi merasa tersaingi kalo gini -____- bzz)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

dia keliatan seneng banget dan entah seneng yg dibuat-buat ato gimana aku juga ga ngerti sih, yg jelas dia appreciate bgd lah, dy bilang makasih dan dia seneng kalo dia keliatan ganteng kalo pake batik. dan dia langsung buru" bungkus paketan na buat aku dan langsung pergi ke kantor pos. dia ga ngasik tau apa isinya coz dia ngerti kalo aku suka banget SURPRISE . jadi ga asik kand kalo aku kepo-in dia tanya apa isinya paketannya itu, yg jelas dia udah ngirimin.

dan dia ga se-excited dulu pas dy dapet love letter dari aku, yg dia fotoin, tweet ke twitter na, sekarang dy keliatan behave bgd, control dirinya bagus, dia tetep keliatan jaga jarak sama aku. what a pity.

as i told ye in the last story, aku minta kaos yg suka dia pake, simple thing sih, ini mirip sama apa yg dilakuin mbak sepupuku dulu pas pacaran sama mantannya, mereka tukeran baju (karena mbak sepupukuh itu tomboy jadi kaos na ga masalah kalo dipake pacarna -___-) dan jujur aku sempet kepikiran pengen ngasi dia red sweater kesayangan aku, dan jujur aku pengen jadi mantan yang kayak di lagu na the click five " i am getting over you" HAHAHAH, sumpah ga jelas pol. tapi niat itu sudah aku urungkan dari dulu.

"i find your picture in my wallet. still get your sweater in my closet." (The click five)

dan dy ga bahas sama sekali soal surat yg aku kirim ke dy.

kayakna dy emang bener" ga mau bahas soal itu cz mungkin itu sensitip bgd kali yak, dan dy ga mau pikirannya jadi kacau cz dy mau sidang skripsi.

aku tau deh rasanya, jadi aku juja ga tanya gimana pendapatnya soal surat yg aku kirim,

dy malah bilang suka sama gambar coretannku yg ga sengaja itu buat bungkus lemek kardusna, bego banget sumpah aku -____- gambarna itu anime cowo ga jelas pake kaos Nike. hahahha, emang aku suka banget nyoret" gambar ga jelas gitu, dan makin malu bgd ternyata aku nyoretna di balik kertas bibliography thesis dan ga sengaja kekirim sekalian didalem paketna -______- goblok abis.

aku bilang, "kamu boleh buang itu kok, sumpah malu-maluin banget"

dan dy bilang, "aku mau simpan semua benda yg kamu kasik ke aku, walopun cuma sketch aneh kea gini, hagagag. i'll keep in Vera's folder"

Vera's folder.

kamu simpan dimana? di hati kamu? hoek.

seminggu ini aku kerja magang di sebuah perusahaan , cuma 2 minggu doang sih, yah itung" ngisi liburan. dan entah kenapa yg aku pikirin cuma dy teruz.

 aku kayak dia yg dulu pas kesengsem berat sama aku.

aku pulang kerja lsg nyalain leptop, padahal belom makan.

aku tau, dia gamau ada hard feeling sama aku.

bodohnya aku, seminggu yg lalu aku curhat sama Raf kalo aku kangen berat sama dia, masih pengenin dia, masih kepikiran dia.

dia cuma senyum doank.

terus dia bilang, "aku gamau ada beban sekarang, aku gamau keganggu sama urusan apapun. aku pengen have fun"

aku sedih banget denger kata" itu.

"tapi aku masih pengen cari kesempatan dan waktu yg tepat buat bisa balik sama kamu, tapi ga sekarang"

lanjut dy.

aku agak seneng dengernya, dan aku tanya sama dy, "do you still love me?"

"yes, but i don't wanna be with you right now."

aku tanya sekali lagi, dg penekanan intonasi, "do you still want me?"

"yes"

aku cuma ketawa miris dengernya, "hagaggaga. FUCK."

aku cuma bilang gitu, dan dia senyum doank.

bastard.

kadang Raf masi pengen liat aku di cam, aku tau dy kangen, coz dy tiba" bilang, "i wanna see you on cam" ato pas dy tiba" message di fb, dan bilang"hello, kamu dimana sih? :)"

tapi chat qt akhir" ini setelah putus jadi garing dan agak basi, Raf bilang aku ga perlu tau seluk beluk kehidupanna dy skr, dy skr punya privasi, jd ga tiap every particular object dy ceritakan ke aku skr. bener-bener beda kea dulu yg tiap saat dy pasti cerita apapun itu.

qt berdua kea na sama sama main mind game, siapa yg tahan jaga gengsi.

aku jaga gengsi dg ga chat dy duluan. dy jaga gengsi dg ga pernah blg kangen sama aku (ato dy bener" ga kangen? d'oh! :'( )

dan kadang ada suatu saat qt ga bisa jaga perasaan masing", dy yg pgen liat aku lama" di cam, ato nyuruh nemenin dy bubu (beberapa hari yg lalu dy masih minta aku nungguin dy bubu) ato aku duluan yg bilang kangen berat sama dy.

aku kangen kangen bgd. aku gatau hal mana yg aku kangenin, yg jelas aku ga bs berhenti mikirin dy.

dua hari yg lalu qt chat pake cam dan dy senyum lebar pas liat aku, (kita ga cam an selama lima harian)

dan aku seneng bgd (jingkrak", jungkir balik dalam hati) pas dy bilang, "it's good to see you, you know"

dan aku langsung bales, ungkapin semua apa spontan dipikiranku.

it's a blissful to see your smile, raphael. 

cynical thing

i don't care if people know and read about this . i don't really care. this is my own blog, i have a right to write everything on my mind .

TODAY IS DAY THREE WITHOUT RAPHAEL .

a.w.k.w.a.r.d. day~

sebenarna aku mau tanya sama diri aku sendiri. aku ini pantes galau ga yah? pasti ga pantes deh -__-

hari ini aku beli gift buat rafael, aku dulu pernah janji buat belikan sesuatu yang khas indonesia, yeps batik! aku belikan dia batik halus, sama boneka super mario. aku tau dia suka banget sama mario bros.

batik na dari bahan silk, warna hijau, and i hope he would like it.

sebenarna kalo dipikir, gak penting juga aku belikan dia sesuatu macem gini. tapi gimana yah aku udah terlanjur janji, dan janji itu harus ditepati.

dulu awal rencananya, aku gak perlu ngirim paket gift ini ke dia. katanya tungguin aja, dia bakal ngambil paket itu sendiri ke indonesia (well, it means he is going to visit me) . tapi karena kejadian yang kita berdua gak kita pengenin , yah terpaksa kand berati aku harus ngirim gift ini, soalna aku udah janji .

dan, aku nge message dia kalo aku udah mau ngirim paket na. moga ajah nyampe rumah dia dg kondisi baik dan dia mau nerima.

dan dia malah bilang, "kamu ga perlu belikan aku kayak gitu"

aku kuatir dia bakal nolak gift kuh itu, maka na aku mau mastikan dulu, "kamu bakal ngebuang gift kuh ntar?"

he said, "ndak kok, cuma aku mikir kamu ga perlu wasting money kayak gitu" 

dia bilang ini wasting money.

dan aku ngerti pasti dipikiranna dia aku mau nyogok buat biar bisa balikan ma dia. nggak kok, ini bukan sogokan. aku serius.

kalo aku jahat banget, aku pasti cuman manfaatin rafael, dan ninggalin dia gitu ajah. tapi aku gak kayak gini kand? aku berusaha nepatin janji.

hari ini aku tetep online skype, dan aku tau dia pasti juga online. karena samapi jumat besok dia pasti butuh internet buat garap skripsi na dia.

dan aku gak mau nyapa dia duluan. aku takut salah. dan aku gak mau kalo dia cuma jawab dengan jawaban seenak udelna.

tapi ternyata dia nyapa aku duluan, setelah sekitar 1 jam dia online. dan aku baru tau, karena aku baru bangun dari tidur dengan keadaan internet online karena aku lagi download lagu.

dan aku jawab dengan sebiasa mungkin, kayak aku nyapa stranger yg baru aku kenal. "hey, hello"

aku bahkan ga tanya dia lagi ngapain. aku bener" ga berani tanya kayak gitu. ntar aku dikira masih nge-flirt dia.

dan akhirna , dia yang tanya aku lagi ngapain.

aku bilang aku ga ngapa-ngapain, dan dia cerita kalo skripsi na agak nemuin jalan buntu (dia ngerjain skripsi untuk master degree sekolah hukum na dia). dan aku cuma bilang, "you have to stay focus and be optimist!"

bener-bener standar sekali.

aku masih inget waktu aku lagi buntu-buntu na garap skripsi, dia mau bantuin aku (bantuin na cuman nemenin doank sih) dan dia juga bikinin aku resume yang bener buat ngelamar kerjaan.

 malam ini aku bakal balik ke jam tidurku yang lebih sehat (hahaha, hopefully). aku agak enakan sekarang (ga labil kayak dua hari kemaren nangis teruz dan gak tidur).

haha, aku gatau kenapa aku terlahir anglophilic gini -_- (kalo ada yg gatau anglophilic itu apa, jadi tolong check di google). dan rafael yg terlahir asianphilic (dan plis kalo yg ini ga ada di google, jadi yah ini term aku yg bikin ajah '_-v )

aku tau kenapa aku nangis jejeritan, dan ga rela kalo rafael itu ninggalin aku.

he's the one that i want.

orang prancis (dan kalian tahu , he has very very strong accent)

ganteng.

cerdas.

baik.

ga ngerokok, dan ga nge-bir.

dan bla bla bla yg masih banyak hal yg aku suka dari dia.

3 bulan kenal dia, chat tiap hari, tiap saat, tiap waktu, sebisa mungkin kita online. kita kayak addicted satu sama lain.

aku masih inget banget, waktu dia masih kerja magang di kantor walikota (dia ambil internship buat penelitian skripsi na dia). dia selalu nge-message aku ,

"kamu pulang jam berapa?"

"aku pengen liat kamu ntar, aku pengen cpet pulang, biar bisa ketemu kamu"

dan suer deh, ini bule udah kayak suami aku yg kangen banget sama istri dirumah -___-

dan dia pulang kerja langsung online, dengan lengkap masih pake kemeja berdasi, nyopotin sepatu, duduk di ruang tamu.

dia bener-bener pengen langsung ketemu aku.

dan tiap pagi, dia pasti message, "met pagi, sekolah yg rajin yah! <3 love you"

ato waktu malam, kalo aku ngantuk, dia bakal ngeliatin aku sampek aku benr" tidur,sama dia nyanyiin lullaby dalam bahasa prancis (fyi, dia ga punya suara bagus, haha)

ato nungguin aku sampe malem, dan dia bakal message kalo aku telat online.

ato aku disuruh dia humming buat lullaby na pas dia mau bobok siang.

sekarang coba pikir, kalo ada cowok seganteng dia yg nge-treat kamu macem gini apa kamu ga melting?

aku gatau pasti sepengen apa dia sama aku. dia cuma bilang, he wants me that much, dia ga pikir panjang lagi, begitu dia sudah well-settled dia bakal jadiin aku istri.

terbukti kan, dengan planning na dia kerja di indonesia, ato bookingan tiket pesawatna dia yg dia batalin. :'(

hari ini kita cuma chat selama 1o menit, dan dia pamitan mau pergi ke pantai (rumah na deket pantai, cuma 500 meter jadi tiap hari jam 3 sore dia ke pantai sama ortu, temen, ato sendiri dan baru balik jam 5)

kalo dulu aku disuruh nungguin dia sampe pulang, dan dia pasti bakal online lagi sampe malem.

tapi sekrang gak, dia cuma bilang , "bye" truz offline.

dan udah 3 hari ini juga dia ga mau video call on skype. dia benr" ga mau liat aku lagi.

fine.

aku udah mulai bisa ikhlas sekarang. ketemu sama rafael itu bagian dari hidup. bagian dari cerita, dan aku pikir aku gak bakal cerita ini ke anakku ntar.

that's why i sent him gifts because i want him to always remember me. that i do exist that ever came to his life. 

aku pernah tanya sama dia, kalo misal hubungan kita didn't work what would happen to him (aku tanya kayak gini, karena aku tahu hal itu bakal terjadi)

dia jawab, "aku pasti bakal sedih untuk beberapa minggu, tapi aku pasti bakal bangkit lagi dan ngelanjutin hidup"

he's so gentle.

dan waktu malam dimana aku bilang hubungan kita ga bisa teruz dia bilang, "aku sedih banget. aku sedih banget."

tapi aku tahu he can heal his pain by himself.

the problem is, aku bukan orang yg konsisten untuk masalah ini. disatu sisi, aku masih pengen rafael, i want rafeal because he is my desire.

kemarin malem, aku masih bilang sama rafael, aku udah terlanjur get into him dan aku gak bisa kalo ga liat muka ganteng na dia. aku masih pengen dia. ato aku selamanya tetep bakal mengenin dia.

tapi dia malah nge0jawab, "kamu bisa liat foto-foto aku ajah di laptop km"

dan aku bilang aku ga bisa tidur dua hari, dan dia cuma bilang, "kamu olahraga saja biar capek. kalo capek bisa langsung tidur"

bener-bener jawaban yg sinis.

well, aku bakal balik dengan hari-hariku seperti biasanya. mau ato ga mau selama 3 bulan aku kenal rafael, aku bisa bubuk nyenyak tiap malem (ini terbukti dengan aku selalu bangun siang -_-), mau ga mau rafael itu ngisi bagian dari impian aku yg aku pikir ga bakal mungkin terjadi.

i have a plan, that i won't tell here.

aku udah tulis semua planningku di surat yg aku kirim ke rafael (yg ada di dalam paket yg aku kirim). 

malam ini , jam 9.30, yg biasanya kalo jam segini aku masih chat sama rafael, ato diajarin bahasa prancis sama dia, ngeliatin senyum manis na dia. ngeliatin dia makan, masak, sama cuci piring.

aku ga yakin aku bisa kayak gitu lagi.

You Know That All My Life I've Been Waiting,
Waiting For Some, Someone Like You To Love Me,
You Can't Come By Like An Angel, Into My Life,
And then Fly Away, Fly Away,

aku mau tidur awal malam ini.

 

 

 

a Mere memory

Raphael.

our meeting was a coincidence , i think. or was it a fate? i really dunno .

i always want to have a cute boyfriend who comes from Europe, white skin, blonde, blue or green eyes , and has very cute accent.

i keep dreaming about it since i was kid.

and i never knew that ALLAH SWT gave him to me in June 2012.

that was the first time i knew him.

and that photo was made by him when he tried to flirt me. A VERY GOOD MEMORY.

he is a cute guy with dimples. green eyes. curly brown hair, clever, and the thing that i love the most was he loved me that much.

i never chatted with stranger before, coz i thought it is useless. but, i didn't know why when i knew him,  i made my first Skype chat, i bought my first web-cam, i bought my first online provider .

that was because of him.

i still remember on 4th July he said that he wanted me, he loved me, because i was the girl of his dream. and i couldn't resist him. i am so lucky if i had him, he's the sweetest thing i've ever met.

                                                    when i asked him to pose like a model :)

tiap malem aku mesti chat ma dia, ngobrolin semua hal. biasanya soal kebiasaan kita sehari-hari, ngapain aja hari itu, gosipin si A, si B, ato ngobrolin hal-hal yang ga penting ato sekedar pengen liat muka kita satu sama lain via Skype.

aku juga heran kenapa orang almost perfect kayak dia mau banget chat sama aku yang notabene kayak gini (-_-) kata dia, aku ini lucu, pure, cute, dan aku ini tipe cewek yang dia mau.

dan yang paling bikin aneh adalah we have things in common, aku cewek asia yang pengen banget punya pacar bule dan dia itu cowok bule yang pengen banget punya cewek asia. hahahaha. corny thing but it's funny, like Tom Hansen in 500 days of summer , "there is no coincidence, but fate" dan kita bener" dpertemukan sama hal yang ga pernah kita duga-duga.

dia ngenalin aku ke mamak na, adik sepupu na Alex, and Julie sama satu orang sohib cowokna.

dan sama mantan na jugak sih -____- dan mantan na bilang kenapa selera dia jadi ke cewek cewek asia gitu (dan aku dibilang orang cina, yassalaaam -____-).

aku cuma cerita soal raphael ke 2 orang mbak Echyk sama devi kalo aku ada love interest sama dia. tapi jujur aku bingung, aku udah punya gandengan soal na, dan aku sayang banget sama gandengan ku ini yang notabene senior di kampus aku.

dan aku bilang kalo aku gak punya gandengan sama rafael. sumpah aku bener-bener khilaf (tapi akhirna juga keterusan, hahaga)

dan ini foto pertama na dia yg dikasikin ke aku, dia mau nunjukin kalo dia suka banget sama pantai, same with me.

Fact 1 we love beach

 kita punya banyak banget kesamaan (well, yeah, kecuali dia lebih dan lebih pintar daripada aku -_-) kita suka pantai, kita sama" suka kucing, kita sama-sama suka George Orwell, kita sama-sama suka bahasa prancis (hagaga, sumpah yang ini goblok banget, he's french native speaker). minggu kedua kita kenalan, dia ngirimin aku cookies favoritna dia (yay!) dan mau ngirimin satu souvenir lagi dari (crystal ball with mickey and minnie in it) tapi aku bilang ga usah muluk-muluk dulu. kue na ajah yg dikirimin :) dan sebenarna sih aku ngarep banget dikirimin suvenir tapi dasar aku orang indonesia yang punya yang nama na SUNGKAN. (blah, yang ini kayakna harus diilangin '_'v)

aku jujur soal keluarga aku, aku bukan anak horaang kaya, jadi yak aku ga bisa bales ngirimin dia barang ato sesuatu, dan dia bilang, "ga usah, aku ajah yg kirim. disini ngirim paket murah kok".

kedua, dia pengen banget ketemu aku sekitar bulan november ato januari, pas buat tabungan dia , ngumpulin duit hasil kerja na dia.

dan dia bilang, "kamu cukup ngasih aku postcard, aku sudah seneng" :o ya ampuun..serius lah yak. dan karena kalo cuma ngasik postcard doank itu ga elit, akhirna aku pake kirim surat yg tulis tangan, bikin note tulisanna raphael love veracute, koin, pita unyu, sama postcard. dan ini pas nyampe rumah na dy, dy sueneeng banget, dan yg paling corny itu, dia nunjukin ke mamakna :p mihihi, and he said, "finally, i touch things that you have touched" sumpah ikiii bikin melting banget -___-

 sorry yak rafael, aku nulis pake bahasa. :'( soal na hal ini benar-benar sensitif banget.

rafael datang ketika aku agak jenuh sama mas rzky, well fine okay, aku ga bisa dibilang selingkuh juga,lha wong kalo selingkuh kan aku ktemu secara "nyata" ma dia. lha wong ini cuma skedar di skype, dan beberapa teman menyarankan kalo rafael dibuat asik-asikan ajah. lumayan digawe manis-manisane mata -_- oh my, maka dari itu aku tetep lanjut tiap hari, tiap saat, tiap waktu aku selalu online skype

pas mamakku tau soal ini, dia ngamuk berat dan bilang ga mau punya menantu bule. okey fine, lagian sapa yang mau nikah ma rafael, waktu itu aku mikr gitu, toh aku ga ngerti si bule ini serius ato gak.

sampe suatu saat, dy bilang: "mamakku bilang dia mau punya menantu orang indonesia, orang na nurut"

okey fine, aku bukan tipe orang yg nurut.

kedua: "hey, aku mau booking tiket pesawat ke indonesia loh, kamu mau aku berkunjung bulan apa?"

pas dy bilang gini, sueeeer aku sueeneng bgd! aku bersorak-sorak hore hore akhirna dapet bule'_'v

sampe suatu hari mas rzky, cowok nyata ku bilang: "cin, aku sering mimpi ga enak akhir" ini, aku mimpi kamu selingkuh, aku mimpi kamu dibawak orang, mimpi bla..bla.. kamu gapapa kan?"

dan aku bilang semua na apik-apik saja, ga da yg berubah.

dan sampe aku merasa jadi cewek terjahat sedunia pas aku diajak bareng sholat jamaah sama papa and mama na dy, diajak bikin kue bareng, and it means aku iki wes dianggep anak mereka sendiri -__-

dan yg bikin galau ketiga, si bule ini tiba" bilang, "aku udah apply kerja di dubes prancis buat indonesia, dapet yg magang ajah gapapa deh, yg penting aku bisa agak deketan ma km"

ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNGG!!!

aku langsung jerit dalam hati, "ini sudah mulai gila!"

jujur yang bikin aku merasa jadi cewe terjahat sedunia adalah, aku sempet pengen putus dari mas rzky, bukane aku ga sayang ma dia, tapi aku puengen banget sama rafael. i want RAPHAEL, HE IS MY WILDEST DREAM. dan aku juga pastina mikir, nikah sama bule ga semudah balikin tangan.

pertama, rafael itu aknostik. sori, aku ga ngeja di bahasa inggris yg benar, soalna kalo kebaca ma si bule pasti dia tau soal ini, '_'v . rafael bener" ga percaya apa itu yg nama na agama, bahkan beragama pun dy nggak. allahu akbar. aku pernah tya ma dy kalo nikah ma ku apa dy mau masuk muslim dan dy bilang, "nggak vera, aku mau nikah ma km, ga nikah ma agama km. kalo cm buat formalitas ajah it's okey, tapi kalo buat setrusna, aku bener" ga bisa. itu udah prinsip. dan aku bakal biarin kamu tetep jadi muslim kok, tenang ajah."

subhanallah, aku bilang sekali lagi, "kamu serius?"

dy jawab, "aku serius, aku ga bercanda loh ini"

dan aku langsung mulai mikir yang nggak-nggak, malam puasaan aku sering sholat buat yakinin pasti, kenapa rafael ini ditemuin sama aku? apakah ini cobaan pacaran dua tahun sama cowokku?

aku ga habis pikir.

dan 3 bulan aku "jalan" sama rafael, aku ga merhatiin mas rzky blas, aku ga peduli mas rzky mau a,b,c,d,z dan dengan kecuekan mas rzky yg kayak gitu dy sampe ngais" perhatian, lebih sering telpun, sms, dan sampe suatu saat cowookku bilang aku berubah.

                                                            Fact 2 we love sleeping :)

Aku akhirna hampir dua malam ga tidur setelah rafael bilang dia apply ke dubes prancis di indonesia. shit! dia bener" serius sama aku. sumpah taq kira nih cowok guyonan -____- bodohnya saya, padahal temen" udah byak yg bilang, kalo anake ga serius ngapain sampe mau ngunjungin aku, ngirim kue, pamitan ke manapun dia pergi, ngenalin ke mamak ma sodar"na, selalu bilang i love you tiap pagi, ngajarin aku bahasa prancis tiap malem.

                                             Fact 3: i dunno why i miss him so much :(

aku ga mau kalo bilang this life isn't fair, aku gatau napa tapi aku tau kalo kita selalu dapat yg kita butuhkan bukan yg kita inginkan. okey, dalam kondisi ini mungkin aku lebih milih rzky untuk urusan frontal yg mungkin anda sudah tau kenapa saya milih rzky, semua ini yg salah saya. saya harusna ga main-main dalam urusan cinta kayak gini, entah kalian mau nyebut ini cinta maya ato ga, aku ga peduli.

yang jelas.,aku sama rafael itu bener" pengen satu sama lain. alasan na klise banget sebenar na, "karena aku cewek asia berkulit coklat, dan aku suka dia karena dy bule ganteng bermata hijau dengan senyum yg manis banget" .

aku tau rafael skr marah sama aku bangetm trakir aku message dy, dy ga mau bales. dy konsisten sama apa yg dia omongin.

aku masih inget trakir dy ngomong, "aku sayang kamu vera, aku gatau kenapa aku sayang, aneh yah?aku juga ngerti, aku begitu liat kamu lsg suka, km tau cinta pandangan pertama kan? haha. km lucu , gigi km kayak kelinci, tingkahmu kayak monyet yg di kebun binatang di kota ku(please rafael, ini namanya nge-bully) -_- you are very cute with all the things you have. km jangan tya aku kenapa yah, dan aku tau banget kenapa km suka aku, soalna aku foreigner kan?haha"

aku masih inget banged. mungkin kalo aku mau cari recordna, masih ada di halaman inbox FB.

dan yg paling aku inget banged, dy bilang gini,

# Rafael : On a scale from zero to 100, how much do you love me ?

Zero being somebody who disgust you and 100 being somebody you want to marry right now

 # me: why do you ask this rafael?

# Rafael: Why don t you answer. ?

#Me: i just ask you, why you ask the love measurement to me, a love with scale?what is your love scale?

#Rafael:

• On the scale i would say 90
• I only ask if you would do or one day

  
  
  

  #Me: thanks rafael, i am just shocked that you love me very much and it happened too soon

  
  
  

  #Rafael: And i am shocked that i love you so soon too :)

  
   dan waktu itu aku jawab, aku suka dy cuma empat puluh persen. serius, aku waktu itu cuman main-main. aku cuma seneng ada bule yg suka sama aku , that's it.
  
  dan sekarang aku bener" tau kalo rafael itu serius. dan aku ga bisa mutusin rzky.
  
  rafael itu impian. rzky itu kebutuhan.
  
  sumpah, aku nulis ini sekarang sambil nangis, dan berharap rafael mau sama aku lagi, tapi itu percuma? ya kan?
  
  DAN AKU GATAU KAPAN SITUASI NA BISA BERUBAH.
  
  DAN AKU MASIH GATAU KALO MISAL KEADAAN MEMBAIK AKU BAKAL MILIH SIAPA. INI SAMA AJA KAYAK NYAKITIN DUA ORANG SEKALIGUS.
  
  aku tau rafael bakal cari cewek lagi, dan kemungkinan besar cewek prancis lagi (okey, back to basic toh selama ini kita berdua sama" pengalaman pertama suka sama orang luar beda ras -____- dan aku juga balik lagi perhatian sama cowok aku yg udah ga taq reken tiga bulan ini.
  
  bahkan rafael ga mau liat aku lagi. aku tau dy marah. tapi dy gatau harus marah sama siapa. ini soal yg bener" sensitif dan komplikated.
  
  aku juga gatau harus gimana?
  aku udah lama ga galau, aku galau terakhir itu udah 3 tahun yg lalu dan itu basi banget.
  
  dan bahkan aku gatau kenapa apakah ini patut digalaukan ato gak?
  terserah.
  
  dan aku ga sengaja mencet lagu na landon pigg yg can't let go
  
  
  

  Well, you're the closest thing I have  

  To bring up in a conversation  

  About a love that didn't last

  
  

  okey, FUCK.

  dan satu lagi lagu na Happier dari A Fine Frenzy:

  Shoot me with your rubber bullets 

  Your finger's on the trigger, pull it  

  I know you want this suffering to end  

  And so it is forgivable my friend
   

   aku yang salah yah, jadi aku emang pantes dapet semua ini.

  tapi aku gatau juga, kalo emang jodoh juga mau kemana? mau ke ujung dunia, mau aku pergi ke London sekalipun kalo aku jodoh ma rzky yah aku bakal balik sama dy. kalo aku emang jodoh ma rafael, walopun aku sembunyi di gunung kelud juga dy bakal balik ma aku.

  
  

  aku cuman bisa pasrah . :'(

  dan aku tau ini hari selasa yah? rafael pasti ikut kelas salsa . dan udah 3 bulan dia ga ngereken cewek cewek hot yg ada di klub itu. cuman gara-gara aku, AKU! . dan aku ngerasa jealous banget skr dan takut kalo rafael bakal flirting sama cewek cewek itu
  
  

A FEMINIST ANALYSIS: MALE GAZE AND SILENCING TOWARDS SYBIL VANE IN WILDE’S THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY

To every people who love themselves more than anything.

MALE GAZE AND SILENCING TOWARDS SYBIL VANE CHARACTER IN OSCAR WILDE’S THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY NOVEL:

A FEMINIST ANALYSIS

INTRODUCTION

            When people talk about woman, there will be lots of perspectives, meanings, even judgments towards her. A woman is essentially inborn with her speciality, included her body, sex, gender, behaviour and attitude. For hundred maybe thousand years, women are oppressed by rules and conventional system which people called it a gender construction. Women themselves do not know about the advantages and disadvantages in obeying those gender rules which people make, or they could have been zipped by a patriarchal society that silence and them to do whatever men want.

            The word feminist itself is based on a word named “female” or “feminine” which shows both its sex and gender towards woman. All in this world are always have binary opposition, however, according to feminist theorists that binary opposition itself basically from the men’s point of view. Like the word strong/weak, sun/moon, man/woman, male/female, masculinity/femininity are considered as patriarchal thought that the first word which has a good meaning always put in first before the binary and it refers to men.

            The first wave of feminism mostly talks about an oppression towards woman who cannot fight against the patriarchal society in early eighteenth century. We can see from many novels which the authors usually are men, put the figure of woman as a weak, demanding, and irrational one. Men authors in the classic era are more popular than women one since the educated people at that time are usually men, like this famous novel titled The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde.

            This story tells about an over twenty years old boy named Dorian Gray who is born with perfection of his face and comes from wealthy society. A prosper boy like him belongs to people upper class society, too, which in the story are Lord Henry Wetton and famous artist Basil Hallward. Dorian Gray has many affairs with many women, but one can be noticed is his relationship with Sybil Vane, a young beautiful street actress who is dumped by him since Sybil has no longer show her charming. Not only because of loosing her charming, the reason why he breaks his relationship with Sybil because of Lord Henry’s bad comments about her that make Dorian feels ashamed to his friends.

            It shows that appearance and performance is very important among men. They will feel satisfied when a woman is in a good or beautiful perform and other men adore her, too; it is called a male gaze. This paper will analyze about Sybil Vane character that experience a male gaze and also becomes a victim in silencing women in nineteenth century.

STATEMENT OF THE PROBLEM

            How do the male characters show their male gaze towards woman especially to Sybil Vane character in Oscar Wilde “The Picture of Dorian Gray”?

ANALYSIS

            When Dorian Gray meets Sybil Vane, a young and beautiful but belongs to lower class and her job is a street actress, Lord Henry exactly says that she does not deserve Dorian Gray. Lord Henry actually is a wealthy man in his middle-age who never appreciates woman’s existence. He feels that marriage is just a symbol of “a duty”, it is showed from his say about his wife, “When we meet,—we do meet occasionally, when we dine out together, or go down to the duke’s,— we tell each other the most absurd stories with the most serious faces. (Wilde 7)”

            Lord Henry thinks that woman is absurd; he gives an example about marrying a woman will make man having a boring activity like he does. Most of women are represented as irrational and have no idea of what is in patriarchal mind. Men just give all what woman’s want and never ask in deep about what is on woman’s mind. Woman cannot understand what is in man’s thought and man actually does not give a chance to woman to speak up her thought.

            That is a why Irigaray posits that woman has only two choices, to keep quiet (for anything a woman says that does not fit within the logic of patriarchy. In addition, to imitate patriarchy’s representation of herself as if he wants to see her (Tyson 101). It means that woman’s words are meaningless and cannot reach a thing which man calls ‘a patriarchal thought’. This case is strengthen by Lord Henry’s Wetton comment to Sybil Vane after Dorian tells him about her appearance instead he never sees who is Sybil Vane actually,

“Never marry a woman with straw-colored hair, Dorian,’ he said, after a few puffs. ‘Why, Harry?’ .‘Because they are so sentimental.’ ‘But I like sentimental people.’

‘Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed (Wilde 54)”

            In arrogant way, Lord Henry says many things about woman’s existence in his eyes, his male gaze. We can see here, that Lord Henry is depicted as rich, powerful, influential and mature man than Dorian, however, Dorian is depicted as innocent boy who needs advice about life from the expert, including about woman. Sybil Vane becomes a sign of an image of woman’s in male eyes: a doll, a beautiful sculpture whenever man wants to see it, she can be a joy and satisfaction to man’s feeling. From Lord Henry comments about Sybil Vane when Dorian tells him that she is a genius in beauty, “My dear boy, no woman is a genius: women are a decorative sex. They never have anything to say, but they say it charmingly. They represent the triumph of mind just as we men represent the triumph of mind over morals (Wilde 55).”

            It symbolizes that woman becomes a symbol of winning which is put the importance of man’s power to reach a triumph over woman. For Irigaray, the man looks the woman (subject) and the woman is looked at (object); that is a male gaze (Tyson 102). The more beautiful that man can get, the more he feels proud of himself among his friends, and this is one of reason why Dorian loves Sybil. Because when he looks her on stage, with all of her charm and beauty, he thinks that by loving Sybil, he can make other people feel jealous. All in men’s thought is about competition and power, and winning a beautiful girl can be one of condition that man must get in order to feel triumph.

            At the moment when Dorian shows his lover to Lord Henry and Basil Hallward in order to give him self-appreciation, Dorian has ‘inside’ purpose when he shows Sybil’s charm and beauty, he will win the competition, and he can make other men feel jealous about him. And actually, Lord Henry says that Sybil Vane is the worst artist he ever met and this comment makes Dorian’s feeling broken and directly dumps Sybil Vane.

            Dorian’s reason to break up the relationship cannot be accepted by Sybil Vane. Here, she portrays as mellow and irrational girl who loves Dorian too much. As we can see in Sybil’s utterance, “You came,—oh, my beautiful love!—and you freed my soul from prison. You taught me what reality really is (Wilde 93).” It seems that woman has no choice and stupid (from the sentence: ‘you taught what reality really is’). Wilde depicts the image of woman in less knowledge and less intelligence than man. For Simone de Beauvoir, man is considered as essential subjects or independent, while woman is considered as contingent being or dependent “creature” controlled by circumstances (Tyson 96). Woman is symbolized as dependant person, uneducated and powerless than man, and for patriarchal society, woman also a sign of ‘other’ which can not be compared to them.

            When Dorian Gray dumps Sybil Vane, he says that Sybil has made him proud in front of his friends, and when she cannot give what Dorian (his male gaze) satisfaction, he says he is boring and his friends do too. It is showed in his explanation to Sybil Vane,

“You used to stir my imagination. Now you don’t even stir my curiosity. You

simply produce no effect. I loved you because you were wonderful, because you had genius and intellect, because you realized the dreams of great poets and gave shape and substance to the shadows of art. You have thrown it all away. You are shallow and stupid. My God! how mad I was to love you! What a fool I have been! You are

nothing to me now (Wilde 95)”

            Dorian characteristic shows how a man needs appreciation and pride among his friends. He will feel satisfied when other men feel jealous towards what he has, including a woman. Woman only becomes a thing, or creature that can be a symbol of man’s power and satisfaction.

CONCLUSION

            In the nineteenth century, woman has become an object in satisfying man’s desire of pride and power. The male gaze that is explained by Irigaray has described what actually inside in most of man’s thought towards woman existence. First wave feminist also reveals about the silencing of woman’s words that she cannot speak up what she actually wants and decides or protests something, in addition, woman also portrays as lack of sense of logic (stupid), dependable and cannot think as well as man does. The character of Sybil Vane in this novel has been clearly exposed what is woman in the nineteenth century: only becomes a portrait of man’s desire and her silence.

WORKS CITED

Tyson, Louis. Critical Theory Today Second Edition. New York: Routledge. 2006

Wilde, Oscar. The Picture of Dorian Gray. E-book.

Miss Vane and Mr. Gray

DORIAN GRAY AND SYBIL VANE