Summer is coming!

y'ello folks! it's been so long i didn't write about good things happened to me lately ,

hahaha

perhaps i was too busy writing sad stories about myself then lamented and it felt like getting a huge punch on my nose .

August will be over soon, then september, then october, then november, then december, then voila 2017!

dayum, time flies so fast.

so many things happened in 2016, yer, i had still carried some baggage from the past, but let me clear all of them.

So,

it's like usual days, you are having good and bad times, met some morons, earned some extra money, but I feel so contented I have traveled to several countries so far for study and spent at least 2 weeks and made friend with some amazing people whom taught me about many things.

Though I took 3 years to finish my master.. yeah because I am lazy and big procrastinator , Thanks to Allah SWT, I got almost straight A's for all subjects, which somehow I almost don't believe in myself ... gosh, what the heck was I doing? LOL

I have been learning French for a year and half and now I am at pre-intermediate level! car rien ne gratuit dans la vie :) I am the laziest person in the class yet I got 'yeahprettysatisfying' score for my french. Je suis hereuse! I still need 2 more years to complete my lesson and master it since I know it's very beneficial for my future endeavors. 

what else... I made my first trip together along with my bestfriends to Solo, a lovely city close to Yogyakarta. It was a short trip but very meaningful for us and we really want to repeat it, hahaha we got a plan to visit Singapore or Tokyo together but we'll see.

Everyone loves my cooking! i never know it if I could cook sorta food this great *ahem*, I invited some friends to my house and I cooked some food for them and they liked it! some of my friends also started to create some culinary business and hell they cook better than me hahaha I should learn from them, 

I've already spent almost 70 dollars purchasing some 'rare' books: Orwell, Camus, Sartre, and Zizek!!! I am do happy I could find many books about those amazing authors (in INDONESIAN translation!), and this is summer , you will know what I am mostly likely doing: reading books, writing some stories about my traveling journey (I will post it asap, wait for it :D) or .... if I am very lazy, I'd probably be watching some movies.

Anyway, Happy Summer! Bon L'Été a tous!

xoxo

A gummy poetry

Just random thoughts when I got nothing to do with full ideas on my mind.
No judging please, I (still) know nothing what I am talking about.
haha.

Home is where our heart is (Love, Rosie)

#Verse 1

Love is chemistry
It is not about eyes meet eyes
Lips meet lips
It is heart that sees
Someone's personality

Love means friendship
You don't need to declare
All you have to do is to build a strong companionship
And a true heart that always cares

But so far that I have learnt
Love is not an ownership
I love you, doesn't mean that I own you
Well, you don't need to worry
Cause I don't really care
As long as I am around you
I feel so endeared

#Verse 2

And when everyone said
you are the only guy who passes behind
To me, you are the ecstasy that screwed my mind
I was an Echo, who always screamed out your name
Though I knew that you never came

Then if you are a guilt,
That would be the greatest one I have ever built
I just want you to believe
That I adore you that much
Like Ephonine adores Pontmercy

I want you so bad
Like a convict begs for mercy
So let it be,
If it grew day by day
This affection I might say
Cause you will be the only memory
Which I cannot replay


#Verse 3

When a ballad song 
doesn't catch your conscience
Than a lame poetry 
wouldn't make anymore sense
  
So I guess, I'd better visit the saved room
Where I put all my fantasies
My erotic thoughts in gloom
With all my own elusive entity

There would I spend
The whole night alone and lament myself
Thinking, why did I meet your soul
If you are not destined to alter my life .

je te pardonne

I don’t want to spend every day thinking of all the possible reasons to hate you just to make myself believe that I’m okay. Because I am not. I want to be okay, but it doesn’t mean I have to bring you down just to lift my spirits up. I want to be alright, be happy and contented with where I am and what I have now. I want to be the best version of myself. I want to regain the pieces of myself that I lost when I loved you too much. I want to be myself again.

I’m forgiving you because as early as now, I want to let you go.

We hurt each other and didn’t do anything good. We were in a toxic friendship that I fought to keep but we soon realized it wasn’t worth it. Now that we’ve come to our senses, this is the best time to continually go our separate ways. I’m letting you go and forgiving you for all the things you’ve done. And I’m forgiving myself for breaking the promise I told myself that I wouldn’t get hurt by the same person who broke me. I’m forgiving you because you deserve it. And I do too. We both deserve to be happy, maybe happier apart.

It takes a lot of courage to forgive but it takes a lot more to ask for forgiveness. And I’m asking you now to forgive me for asking too much. Forgive me for believing that it was all real. Forgive me for the idea that you felt the same way as I did.

I’m forgiving you because I love you and mainly because I love myself more. I want to be free of the toxic thoughts of you and the times that we were in uncertainty. I want to be free of the hatred, anger, and distrust. I want to start over with a heart of hope and peace of mind. I want to start over and get over you. I want to restart. I want to let go, move on and live on.

Life doesn’t stop when you run out of reasons to go on, it continues once you start finding reasons to look forward to. And I have found those reasons.

I’m forgiving you because I’ve realized that I should make peace with my mind, my own sanity. Because I love myself.

brand new things to welcome 2016

1. Let go of your comfort zone.

The truest form of beauty in life, the richness and the experience, is to be found in the areas that are unfamiliar to us. Life opens up in so many awe-inspiring ways when we allow ourselves to face our fears, and trade in our everyday familiarities for things that may breed a lifestyle we have always yearned for. Think about it – if you seek change, if you seek a sense of growth, it is time to do something different, it is time to embrace the unknown. 

2. Let go of everyone’s opinion of your life.

There are always going to be people who will try to give you guidelines in regards to the ‘correct’ way to go about living. However, there is no universally ‘correct’ way to live a life that is solely your own. Everyone has different goals, and different views as to what happiness is. People will judge you, people will try to change you, but if you allow for that to alter your path you’re going to end up living someone else’s life. This year – make your life your own.

3. Let go of your opinion of everyone’s life.

No one has a perfect life. You see filtered photos on Instagram and highlight reels on Facebook; you see blissful accounts of seemingly faultless relationships, and hand picked reflections of those you follow on social media, but you never truly see someone in these situations. In an age where we are so easily capable of curating and painting an immaculately false picture of our lives, it is important to remind ourselves that those we envy, and those we compare ourselves to, are capable of doing the exact same thing. 

4. Let go of your infatuation with waiting.

It is often easy to get caught up in waiting for the things we want in life to simply happen. We wait for the promotions, we wait for the first text, we wait for the easy way out. It is time to stop waiting for our lives to become what we want them to be; it is time to start making them what we want them to be. We all have potential within us – it is pinned and blooming between our palms, it is coursing through our veins, and if we meet our visions with the same level of ruthless effort, we cannot fail at making even our craziest dreams a reality.

5. Let go of your tendency to favor being cool, over being connected.

In a world that seeks connection we oddly avoid eye contact, we time our text responses in order to protect ourselves from seeming too eager or too interested, and we hold our feelings back because we don’t want to seem overly emotional or unreasonable. We silence our instincts, and at the end of the day instead of feeling good about ourselves, we feel alone, we feel misunderstood. Remember – it is okay to be emotional, to seek help, to confidently tell someone you enjoy being around that you are infatuated with them. There is nothing wrong with vulnerability, with being human, for that is what creates depth within our relationships, and that is what ultimately unifies us.

6. Let go of a love that wont love you back.

Love is quite possibly the only thing that can both build and break a human being, and that makes moving on difficult. Remind yourself that it is often the highlights that leave you longing for the past, the good memories, the beautiful moments, the building blocks – but there were also the downfalls, the breaks, the things that caused the relationship to end in the first place. There are so many breathtaking people in the world, people who have the potential to create with you something that is foundational, something that drives and inspires you to be a better person. Open yourself up to them; open yourself up to the kind of love you deserve. 

 

7. Let go of what you tolerate.

It is quite simple – life is not to be endured, life is to be enjoyed. If there is something that you want to change you have all the power in the world to change it. You do not have to keep toxic people in your circle, you do not have to stay in an unfulfilled relationship or ‘put up’ with any aspect of your life. There is courage to be found within the hearts of those who refuse to simply stomach their life, within those who pledge to confront what makes them unhappy, or ungrateful, and focus on the things that do the opposite.

8. Let go of the idea that it’s too late.

It is truly never too late to change your life. It is never too late to become the person you always hoped you could be, or to love the way you have always wanted to love. We often forget that we are not bound by our past. We don’t have to be who we were a year ago, we don’t have to make the same mistakes we did when we were younger; we can want different things, we can seek different horizons.  We have to believe that we are never too old, never too jaded, and never too broken to take our first steps towards change. We wake up every single day with the ability to start fresh – it is never too late to take advantage of that.

source: Bianca Sparancino in her book "Seeds Planted in Concrete"

perfect

So if you like causing trouble up in hotel rooms
And if you like having secret little rendezvous
If you like to do the things you know that we shouldn’t do
Then baby, I'm perfect
Baby, I'm perfect for you

And if you like midnight driving with the windows down
And if you like going places we can’t even pronounce
If you like to do whatever you've been desiring about
Baby, I am perfect for you ;)

Moi

In the depth of winter 

I finally learned

that there was in me an invincible summer.

Albert Camus

A self-reminder

Well, perhaps, we have been dealing with many things which occupied our head. The world is spinning around. We are restless. Defenseless. 

We think something is wrong, but we don't know what it is.

we think too far, perhaps. we have been doing many things, putting so much efforts to reach goals, yet, we feel like we are running at the same place.

Hazy, Scary, and all this absurdity gagged us.

Sometimes, our mind is exhausted of everything. Nothing has changed, and we are in deeply morose, shouting and punching nothing in the air.

This article that I have read probably could make us rethink and ponder about things that we face.

When you are tired,  read this and you know what you will do next , you know you can do it, and most of all: because you deserve to be happy ,

"I know what it’s like to feel tired — and not just in the physical sense. 

The world that we live in is an exhausting place to be. It is wearing. It is thankless. It is endlessly trying and scarcely rewarding. You’re tired simply because you live in it. You’re tired of loving too much, caring too much, giving too much to a world that never gives anything back. You are tired of investing in indefinite outcomes. You’re tired of uncertainties. Tired of grey.

I know you haven’t always been this worn out — that there was a time when you were hopeful and pure. When your optimism outweighed your cynicism and you had an infinite amount in you to give. I know you have been chipped away and worn down piece by piece — a broken heart here and an un-kept promise there. I know the world hasn’t always been kind throughout the games you’ve played and that you’ve lost more times than you have ever won. I know you’re feeling uninspired to try again. I know.

Because the truth is, we’re all tired. Every single one of us. By a certain age, we are all nothing more than an army of broken hearts and aching souls, desperately searching for fulfillment. We want more but we’re too tired to ask for it. We’re sick of where we are but we are too scared to begin again. We need to take risks but we’re afraid to watch it all come crashing down around us. After all, we’re not sure how many times we will be able to start over.

We all think we’re alone in our exhaustion. But the truth is we’re tired of each other — tired of the games we play and the lies we tell and the uncertainties we present to each other. We don’t want to play the villain but we don’t want to play the fool either. So our guards go up. Our defences rile. And we take on the role that we loathe to see played because we’re not sure what choice we have left.

I know how impossible it can feel to go on trying and giving and becoming when you are exhausted straight through to the soul. I know that the cheerful ideals you were once promised now seem tired and hopeless. 

But here’s what I beg if you’re this close to giving up: give it one more try, with feeling. I know you’re tired of your attempts. I know that you’re at your wit’s end. But the truth about that second wind of passion is that you’re never going to realize you have it if you do not keep on running past your first.

We’re all more resilient than we think, and that’s an indisputable truth. There is always more love that we are capable of giving, more hope that we are capable of having, more passion that we’re capable of unleashing and flooding out into the world. We just don’t walk far enough down our own roads to reach the point where we’re seeing those actions pay off. 

We want immediate results and when we see none, we give up. We let the exhaustion stop us. We grow frustrated with the lack of feedback and we assume that means we have to throw the entire attempt right out the window.

Because here’s something we all loathe to admit — none of us are inspired every day. We all get exhausted. We all get discouraged. And we’re allowed to work on through those feelings. Just because you’re beaten down and worn out and sick of the life that you’re living doesn’t mean you’re not making a change. Every person you have ever admired has had times where they felt utterly defeated in the pursuit of their dreams. But that didn’t prevent them from reaching them. You’re allowed to stumble slowly towards your biggest transformations. It doesn’t always have to be a blazing, flagrant affair.

Some parts of life happen quietly. They happen slowly. They happen because of the small, careful choices that we make everyday, that turn us into better versions of ourselves. We have to allow ourselves the time to let those alterations happen. To watch them evolve. To not grow hopelessly frustrated in the in-between.

When you’re tired, go slowly. Go quietly. Go timidly. But do not stop.  

You are tired for all the right reasons. You are tired because you’re supposed to be. You’re tired because you’re making a change. You are exhausted for all the right reasons and it’s only an indication to go on. You are tired because you’re growing. And someday that growth will give way to the exact rejuvenation that you need."

P.S. I am writing this when I am sober, fully well-preserved with two big cups of Mocca coffee.