a note to self

A guilt, a regret, and a redemption.

This isn't a good topic to start new days in May, I know.

However, just let me to write things I need to explain in order to maintain my sanity.

For the past few years, I had been living in anxiety, I actually know what I had done, fully conscious that I might do something right, or I might do something wrong.

But people said, writing can heal you, slowly, so let me tell you about this one thing,

Because if I told you the whole things, you couldn't really decide. We are actually living in the perplexed lives: some things could be super blurry, sometimes you couldn't read between the lines.

I admitted that finally I found a little sobriety when I was in Europe. I felt elated, I felt loved, and I felt healed. When I was about to come back to the reality that I must face, I thought I was strong enough to pass through all these obstacles. In fact, I was scared, I cried a lot for many nights thinking if I really could get through it. Though, I wasn't the girl I used to be, I couldn't really please anyone and let me do the most selfish thing I have ever made.

The second time, or maybe the first time, I cut a person off in my life. 

I didn't really regret my decision but the more I think, the worse regret I feel.

I had been wasting my whole 8 years with somebody I didn't really love, because I just fucking didn't know how to cut somebody out in my life. Maybe I did it before, maybe it was easier at that time, because both of us did not really have good memories together. 

I used to be the one who was being dumped. Probably, I dumped several guys before, but it was before our feelings had got deeper, but when feelings got deeper, they were the ones who left me, mostly.

Like a famous quote says, "People come and go"

I think I use too many maybes, so I must declare it, I do really have a big heart to cut people out of my life. I might feel this guilt and regret for sometime but I am convinced that I could just get them over, later.

Will I be happier? hopefully.

Will I try to develop? Will do.

I never really realize that I should love myself better when I start to feel that I am completely alone and confused and don't know what to do next. Now I know what to do next, I must love myself more.

You are precious and beautiful, and no matter how, you are always loved.